between fantasy and reality

       I  dream a lot lately..which also means I sleep a lot..no matter how many alarms I put in my phone..my body held back to stay asleep..my system don’t fight back at all..it just let ‘it’ take control my body without even my permission… I thought I would be pretty much angry about it..but I didn’t..my dreams relatively anoxious or perhaps partially noxios too.. it’s been a long time I don’t go thru these experiences.. I felt more lively in the dramas made by REM than the reality as now it’s hard for me to differentiate as its all jumble and mixed up already.. I feel confused but I don’t afford to do anything..

      I think a lot lately…maybe its make me have some kinds of ‘hallucination’ sometimes..make me rewind ‘things,people,and stuft’ which I saw in those dreams..its feel like its take the dreams occasionally take over my life over here bit by bit..and i just let it do it without any trials to stop it..its feel like my body enjoy them..

        And now.. I feel like I’m going to a crazy girl..feel euphoria like alternately with fright and sorrow..coz I keep hearing voice in my head keep calling me from the ‘other side of the world’ to close my eyes and empty out my thoughts and just be with them playing the roles of the dramas.and the funniest thing is the players of the game.. I know some of them from this world..

    How can I know right now I am in the reality or the ‘reality’..because both just seem same for me….which of which withdrawn me from my real life..the other side of life leaving the life to fate..and the other’s I don’t know..it just take me wherever it wants..because even its a fantasy,. I don't care,..

           Is it because I think to much??or am I that sick???because the voice become stronger and stronger  and the voice,.how lovely..and right now it ask me to lay down and just………………and let it take over me

no regret

 I know if it’s not meant for me..it will never be mine..though how hard I tried..though it just a step before me..i wont have it…but at least I’m trying..i know., it kinda stupid to hear to work on something that wont never give me a yield..but.,.

But..at least though I fail to get what I dream for.,I’m satisfied cause I’ve try very hard to find the happiness..though at last my life will become a mess.. I won’t ever blame myself for not tried hard to achieve my dreams..it will never become eeriest nightmare for me..

Yes.. it is a thorn that keep pricking my feeling..but though how painful it is..it worth from what my eye see,.so don’t try to stop me though it seem retard action from what I’m doing now.. just leave me alone in my own daydreams..because there is nothing to regret..

feel tender

         I thought it was all about me..but right now.. I know..it never happen so..it was never happen as what I thought.. what I thought before it was all wrong.. I really don’t know how to felt.. my sensation towards feeling suddenly feel numb..what I knew know..my tears is just like crytallize in the lacrimal..it just so painful..its try to push out on my cheek..my I just couldn’t squeeze any drop of it..

If I knew this gonna happen,. I won’t watch you pretty much tenderly.. I swear I just won’t do if I knew the implication this complex..

      I thought those eyes won’t never change,. I thought that heart will never change.. I thought those ears will never change..but now it seem like everything change.. but,. I know it wasn’t just you..it was me too..it just felt like chest being open and my heart taken out and crushed hard on the ground when I know you getting far away from me apart from I’m running from you..right now.. I do regret to realise the fact I did left you before..

      But then, it wasn’t just about me alone.. it was about you too.. I thought I can do anything.. I can fight this war without leave a scar..but right at this moment I know my feeling injured badly..and it because of me..and it just become too late…when I just can’t trace your shadow though I see right you infront of me..

  Occasionally,. I know it was my own fault…neither I can’t erase those memory nor cry to reduce the sore of this pain..either to watch you tenderly or catch you back and keep you,. I won’t do them both..because this pain would be more placeful for someone tender like me..

AddIcteD

       I just felt like cursing on someone just now,.but when I reprocessed my anger back in my lobes of the brain and think more wisely.. thinking that today is Friday’s night..that’s mean its not good do something bad!..so I just try to suppress all those feeling and keep inside..

     I rolling on my bed side by side,.than give sighs many many times..and I end up annoy with myself because I should be at the blame..those all my fault,. What I did before it just like a jerk try to think she is a saint!..and that feeling make me want to tear myself into million of pieces…

    Why…why..and why…I kept reminding myself TO DON’T JUST MAKE IMPRESSION OR IDEAS by just what I see,. I hear, or what other people say..I keep remind myself bout that.,but..It seems like when I saw something.. it just like someone just ‘mumbo-jumbo’ me…BOOM,.I FORGET MY OWN ADVICE TO MY OWNSELF!,.I will just straight away jump into conclusion,.and if my assumption always right,.it would be much,,much..and much better..but,.well..Its look likes all my that so I called ‘wise judgements’, .many of them were actually turned into accusations…and it makes me feel very BAD!!!

        BAD GIRL!!!grrrr… I feel very awkward …err no,.actually hate the careless thoughts of my brain..of course I do though many times I loved them..like now! I like it when it can actually help me express my hastiness toward it…though I realize my bad habit every time it turns into mischief behavior.. I just can’t change it…

     Well,. It isn’t because I don’t want to…coz I’ve tried everything…but it just kept recur everytime I see something.. it couldn’t be I must blind my eye to just make my habit invisible..it must have some other way…but what is it.PLEASE HELP ME!!!  :I..coz  it seem impossible for me right now.,TT__TT

   
yes..i know..this is not related to what i wrote..but,.hmm..it will look so what we call in malay 'kosong'..hehehe..that's why and how..:P

what's on your mind???!!!!!!!

what's on your mind..do you feel like you seen it from anywhere??yup!!!of course,.its on every of us page when we open our cage named FACEBOOK???did you noticed it??hmmm..people tends to write everything on their mind on FB but,.hurm for me..reminding for me too...i got a problem with it..and I do think n im quite sure some of us share the same tougts as me..if not..maybe u will start to ponder bout it..

sy slalu nmpak org meluah perasaan on FB...well,.i don't know..but do we really need to write it on FB to let the whole world know what do you feel? like "I THINK MY HEART IS DEAD BECOZ OF HER?HIM" or "I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER HUNN"..well,for me..its not quite approriate..yup..bg sy..it  will make you look more pathetic..it is the same with the love confessions..yeah.,i do understand your guys and girls feeling..but,.klu skali...hurm OK.,but then,.if you write on "whats on your mind" hundreds of times..it will make feel like "euwww!!"do you understand that??or people will just know ur heart-broken life or love and it will open more and more chances for people to mock at you or in simpler   word.."MENGUMPAT"...korang ske ke?...i will leave it for you to think for a just a moment..

plus..peole tends to write.."ARGH..MEYAMPAH,.ASAL LA SENGAL SGT DY TU??!!" or just anything that can hurt anyone in your friendlists..please..please.,when you are about to click "Share"..take a moment..n thinks,if i am the someone that you are describe..will it hurt your feeling???if yes..click the key "BACKSPACE" on your keyboard of your lappy..coz we are here to make friends but not enemy..don't you think???

then,.i always saw people write.."HARI NIE AK NK G PSAR MLAM..=P"for a few times..maybe it is fun..but,.when you write that common things everyday and redundantly...people will feel irritated and feel like want to push the button "REMOVE FROM FRENDLIST"..hey,.i'm being serious!!!..n it just a funny reason for me to just do it,,,

well,.i know..i also always write nonsense rubbishes on my status..but then,.its time for us to take note SERIOUSLY what to put and what is NOT to put on your "what's on your mind?" and make it as your status..because it can hurt,.make enemy..annoy people or even make people learn something new that day..C=

be someone..

        I always saw people adoring others without knowing themself that they are also perfect like anyone else in their own imperfections., yes,for me, we can adore people..but if we consequently keep doing that until we forget about ourselves,.obsessively wanna be someone else until we lose our own identity..it is just far more than ridiculous for me..because for me..every one es special in their very own way indeedly.
          
Every single human was born some time ago in definite date that was written in our birth certificate and will wither off and dying in a a very indefinite moments and without know what date will it be.. the people that only know our death’s date is just who still alive. We was born a long time ago like a white sheet,.all white,.without a single flaw.,and everyone were born that way.,but in contrast..we will die someday in  a very absurdly different shape.,some end up with happy ending though her/his life absurdly a mess...or some end up...hmmm u know...the othe way,.stuck in somewhere before the heaven.. i mean who knows???
                                                     
And have we ever ponder of that? I do..and always do..every baby was born like an angel..its their own choice,our own choice.. what colour we wanna put on the ‘sheet’..if we put madness in our own life..they will end up as a madness.,but if they enlighted the sheet with colurful colour, it will end up with beutiful life without errors.. if its even have errors here and there,.its for teaching the human to be a better personnel..and even if they dirt themselves..though many of them don’t bother about the ‘dirts’. But if some of them..which are hardly to be found whom prefer to repent for their wrong..prefer to clean up themselves.,but are we actually ...i mean most of us have chance to do so??n if yes..is the dirt will be washed out all clean? Of coz,.all the wrongs will just be a memories that buried in the end of brain..

For me, rather than searching faults,.looking at our own imperfections..hating our own soul and wish to be born someone else...why don’t we expand what we do actually have..come on!wake up from a dream that never can be brought into the reality. Don’t just adore nonsense things and start adoring yourself.  You will be great if you seek it,.our soul have right to be respected and nourished. And if you think that you are not good enough.. turn over anew leave n CHANGE!!that’s all..

so much to say?????

         Well..this is not the first time I write in blog…why I create anew one when I already have one???well,. my previous blogs.,I got some ‘brainical’ and mechanical problem in remember my password and email…well,its is relevant coz it was really a long tyme ago the last tyme I post in it… I think it since I ave facebook  before.

    Why I’m here though I’ve facebook??? hmmm…its because “WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND” in facebook limit my words due to I’ve too much to say and I don’t want to annoy ppl with the my ridiculous and hard to be understood status…hehehehe..sorry.,coz I’m intentionally want it so… I did deliberately make it difficult.. plus I don’t want to make my friends annoy with me..WHY???if I wrote all stufts that pop out from my mind…their facebook  homepage will be full with only my status…so to shield their heart irritation from happen… I found a solution.,.,I’M HERE…thus ppl who don’t like that ‘what’s on my mind’ wont be distracted...yeah!!



                                      .

     As my brain keep analyse what I see everyday..as my thought keep breeding in my skull until I’m hardly to focus on my study..so I choose to spill them into this’ farm’… I hope maybe it can be useful to anyone..i hope people read it sometimes can learn something from my whatever lines or maybe at least make they think so if anyone want to read them…most welcome..if there’s none.,ermn..never mind..so that’s all..

      So, from now and on…I will be here if my head feel like to explode.. n bye!